Still Learning

A day in the life of a sweet freak

2009-08-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

6:30am: Enter workplace café. Read the weekly menu to look for things to avoid. Smell bacon and biscuits. Immediately panic on how not to eat bacon and biscuits. Eat boring oatmeal instead.

8:00am: Go to my desk. Walk by three desks with birthday decorations. Later, there will be cake.

10:00am: Hungry. Should eat some nice almonds or a piece of fruit. Know that downstairs in the café there are fresh baked scones. Must….not…go. Usually go.

12:00pm: Lunchtime! Brought baked chicken and veggies from home. Saw today’s special is super cheesy chili nachos. Oh yea and buffalo shrimp po boy. And don’t forget homemade onion rings. Ignore specials and hope to pick off the plates of my coworkers. (They usually let me.) Somehow feel satisfied that I didn’t actually order the food.

12:30pm: Done with boring chicken. Notice people walking by with the dessert of the week. This week’s poison- chocolate timball- a layer of chocolate cake topped with chocolate mousse topped with a hardened chocolate shell. It makes a crack noise when you hit it with your spoon. I know. I‘ve heard it.

12:31pm: Purchase dessert. Eat. Do not offer to share. Prepared to stab hands of coworkers if necessary.

1:00pm: Back at desk feeling sick with sugar overload. Vow to never eat dessert again and stay on treadmill for two hours tonight.

1:30pm: Come back to desk from quick bathroom break. Fresh piece of birthday cake sitting on my desk. It’s chocolate. Promise I will take just one bite to be nice. Eat entire piece.

1:45pm: Feel sick again. And now mad at my lack of willpower. Vow to change.

2:00pm: Get water. Feeling stronger. I will eat broccoli for dinner. It will be okay.

3:00pm: Receive email…tomorrow cake celebration in the café. Damn it!

3:10pm: Vow will not eat cake tomorrow.

5:00-9:00pm: Going home now. Ready for broccoli dinner and two hour treadmill workout. Read paper. Check Facebook. Eat pasta boyfriend made (didn’t want to hurt his feelings). Figure day is already ruined. Watch America’s Got Talent. Vow to do better tomorrow. Sleep.

6:30am next morning: Repeat. (Some details will change but you get the drift).

Home is where the debt is....

2009-08-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

(This post is kind of long but stick with me… it’s a story)

I have a knack for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am extremely risk adverse, to the point where making big decisions is very frightening. So my decision to buy a home and how it happened is quite ironic. And by “decision” I mean pressured, cajoled, and pushed unwillingly into the purchase. I will explain. Let’s take a trip back in time about a year and a half ago

At the time I was 37 years old and had never owned a house. I was perfectly fine with that. I was renting and comfortable knowing that I could leave at the end of that lease and go wherever I want. It’s a very free feeling. Being tied down to a house sounded like a major commitment, (and I don’t like commitment); I wasn’t convinced I was ready. So here’s where the pressure starts. After years of escalating home values, prices in my area finally started to come down to more reasonable levels. My friends and mother started “the talk”. You know “it’s time you grew up”, “it’s good to have an investment” “you are just throwing your money away”. All the clichés we’ve all heard. Well I didn’t feel that way. I felt like I was plenty grown up and responsible, and I have never considered renting as throwing money away. You are paying monthly for a place to live- period. So just to appease folks (I told myself) I contacted my realtor friend and got pre-approved for a mortgage. The next thing I know I’m looking at houses. Many, many houses all over the metro area I live in. Six months later, I chose a home.

As those six months progressed, the mortgage industry seemingly blew up. The news reported company after company buckling under the pressure of too many bad loans. I had good credit but no down payment. My options to purchase were running out. Crap- even more pressure. Everyone around me created a now or never mentality. Something in me still felt very uncomfortable with the process. I found that I didn’t like any house, any neighborhood that I saw. I was looking 30 miles away from my job for affordability reasons and a little hesitant about signing up long term for a commute. But every day there was more grim news in mortgage land. My mother (who lived with me at the time and therefore had a vested interest) was pushing me every day to put an offer on a house we had found. It was in a quiet neighborhood, kept in reasonably good shape, and most importantly, fit my budget. My boyfriend was less than excited about the purchase but having only dated me for 4 months at the time, he had little influence. Although I wish I had listened to him now... but I digress.

After looking at the same house five times and waiting two months I finally put an offer on the house I presently own. It was accepted right away without too much haggling. I remember the feeling I had upon learning I owned a house. It wasn’t elation or excitement. It was…I believe…terror. Sheer terror. I was trapped…there was no turning back now. I just signed on for the next 30 years. Ugh.

Everyone around me congratulated me on my purchase. I turned 38 the same week I closed on the house… oh yes happy birthday to me…here’s a big fat mortgage. By the way my mortgage was nearly double my rent. No problem though… my mother was going to contribute monthly and it would be just fine. You can probably see where this is going. It ain’t going to be pretty.

One month after I moved in, the you know what hit the fan in the housing market. Market prices plummeted, mortgage companies closed down, companies were filing bankruptcy everyday. Many people told me I got in at the right time. I beg to differ. You see what happened to me was the same thing that has happened to everyone else that bought a house in the past few years. My house value dropped well below my mortgage balance and my interest rate was much higher than they are now. I bought conservatively… 30-year fixed rate loan on a reasonably sized mortgage and yet somehow I was still not any better off than those that were more adventurous with their loan choices. At first I thought I was okay because I signed up for a payment I could afford. However I knew I could only afford it if everything stayed exactly the same as it was and that was scary for me. I am smart enough to know that things don’t often stay exactly the same.

So here we go. The same month I moved in, three major appliances malfunctioned. They just stopped working! To add insult to injury that was one of the main reasons I chose this house… all appliances present. So off to the Home Depot; $2100 later I have new appliances. And a bunch of debt. Then other things… warranties, insurance policies, various other expenditures added up. That is phase one of things not staying exactly like they were. Phase two involved a paid off car breaking down and a new car loan. Not part of the initial budget equation. Phase three involved mother’s medical expenses going through the roof and reducing the amount she contributed by $300. Phase four involved more debt purchases required. Phase five involved using credit cards to pay the monthly bills (uh oh…first sign of trouble!). Phase six involved mother deciding to move to Colorado to live with my brother…thus taking the remaining $300 with her.

So here we are 1.5 years later entering phase seven. This is by far the most unpleasant phase to date actually. See this is the phase where reality hits and I know now that I don’t have enough money to make all the ends meet. So what to do what to do?

This realization is what started this blog. I knew I had to make some major changes in order to get out of debt and be able to make my monthly obligations on time. I started by sending all my credit cards to the shredder and filing for a loan modification with my mortgage company. If you’ve been reading this then you know that I am now saving up for large purchases instead of compulsively buying them. The hardest part has been changing my mentality though. I have to retrain my thought process. I used to think I had so much debt I will never be able to make a cash purchase so I might as well just charge it again. Not realizing that I was just making matters worse…or at the least dragging them out. I honestly don’t do a lot of shopping…most of my debt has been for major expenses and bills. Some of it has been for medical bills of my mother. None of it has been to the Coach Store or Nordstrom.

So the good news is I have already started to make a dent and I am hopeful that within a year I will be doing much better.
The bad news (if we look at it that way) is that I don’t have a time machine and cannot change decisions I made two years ago so I must learn to live with the consequences of my choices.

I get up everyday and decide that I am going make choices that support my goals. I’ve made it three consecutive weekends without using a credit card. That is a major accomplishment for me. I paid off two cards with small balances last month and I am making a dent in another one. Soon I hope to hear from my mortgage company they are able to help me out and lower my payments…helping me to get back on track. With the market the way it is I am stuck in the house for the foreseeable future (unless I walk away which I do not want to do) and so then must make the best of it.

So what’s the moral of the story? Well it could be different for you than for me. Maybe your adventures in home ownership have been or will be positive. Certainly much has changed since I bought my house. For me it isn’t about the house or the debt or whatever. It’s about trusting my own instincts and relying on myself. I put myself in a position of relying on other people to get by… I let other people’s values and beliefs override my own. I made decisions I wasn’t ready for and I paid a price… in more ways than one. And I’m still paying.

My point is not to discourage people from buying houses…to be honest I don’t really care about that. Everyone has to make their own decision. I just want to encourage people to be honest with themselves and not get caught up in what others think is the thing to do. Don’t subscribe to the theory that all of these things are what grown ups do, drive, own. It simply isn’t true. The economy will continue to roll with large and small contributions. If renting makes sense to you then its okay. If buying handbags at Target instead of Coach makes sense to you then its okay. If not owning a handbag or new shoes, or a new car or a new anything makes sense to you then that’s okay too.

It’s your life and you are the one that has to live it. Just like I gotta live mine.

Homage to banana pudding and other pitfalls

2009-08-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and the only thing on your mind is food? I'm having one of those days right now. I'm not particularly hungry I just have food on the brain. And of course I am thinking about the kinds of food that would fall into the poor choice category. I have learned a few things about myself recently as it relates to how I manage food. I've discovered that one unhealthy choice seems to encourage more of the same. Even when I am very engaged in the decision making. Case in point... a brief description of how yesterday went.

I knew in the morning that I would be heading to In and Out burger for lunch. So armed with that knowledge I decided a healthy breakfast was in order. Knowing full well that my lunch choice would blow my caloric budget for the day I was more concerned about balance and not simply allowing a free fall for the entire day. I like the term free fall as it relates to my life. When I make choices that support my goals I feel strong and in control. When I make opposite choices I call it a free fall because that is what it feels like....out of control and hopefully there is a safety net at the bottom.

So back to breakfast. I get to my work early and hang out in our very comfortable cafe in the mornings. The problem with that is we have some really good food choices and I can smell all of it. The smell of fresh biscuits and scones baking, sizzling bacon (oh pork fat is good!) and various other morning delights. It's pretty difficult to stare at a bowl of oatmeal with that going on. But most days I am able to ignore it all and focus on whatever I am doing that has nothing to do with food. I have learned to distract myself. But yesterday, oh boy was I in the mood for a free fall.

I haven't mentioned the desserts yet have I? Ok well I need to go off on a tangent about that for a moment. Stay with me. Our chef (yea, he's an actual chef), likes to make desserts. He makes one every week. Before he came, we had choices like brownies, cookies, and rice krispy treats- which I can easily avoid. But then he showed up and started creating the "dessert of the week"- very elaborate and creative bundles of sweetness. Easy to resist? Not so much. And everything is made from scratch. And they are good. I mean "I want to be alone with this" good. Lick the plate, don't share with others good. So sweets being my particular brand of kryptonite doesn't make it easy to avoid the dessert case. This week's poison- banana pudding. You know, layers of pudding, bananas, nilla wafers, and whipped cream. Fresh whipped cream- no cool whip here.

So I came in, saw the pudding in the case, and promptly purchased one. Ok no- that isn't exactly what happened. I'd like to think I was influenced by the sight of the pudding but I wasn't. I was influenced by the knowledge of its existence. It wasn't in the case at 6:30am. So I asked the chef if he could get me one from the back, and being the very kind and service oriented fellow he is, he could. So I had one MADE FOR ME. Ugh!

And I ate it. And it was good. I'd been subtly seduced by its presence all week and finally gave in to it. You see, I gave into it because I (falsely) convinced myself that the day was already shot calorically- even though I had yet to eat anything at that point- so why not just go there. This is a common trick I play on myself. And then I ate a cheeseburger animal style with fries at lunch. And then I went home and finally acknowledged a free fall was taking place. I had two choices, ignore it or stop the fall. I reminded myself that I had some goals in place that were blatantly being ignored at present. And chose to stop.

I had a light dinner and I was going to be ok. Even thought I have trials like the one above at the end of it all I know that I am going to be ok as long as I recognize what is happening. That is the difference between my actions now and my actions before. I stop what I am doing long enough to recognize it. If I can do that, I can stop a free fall from going too far.

That's the good news. The bad news is next week's dessert sounds pretty darn good too.

Why McDonald's Sucks

2009-08-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

McDonald’s Sucks.

Ok before you get mad at me… I don’t really think McDonald’s sucks. In fact I love Mickey D’s. I crave it. The very smell of those delectable fries causes a potent reaction in me to get those darn things at all costs. If given the choice of all fast food options, hands down I would choose McDonald’s. And that is precisely why they suck. They are so good at creating temptation, craving, and desire.

I, like many, have been eating at this place most of my life. Back in the day, it started with happy meals, chicken nuggets, or sometimes a cheeseburger. Then in my teen years, I graduated to the quarter pounder with cheese. I stayed with that choice until my early 20’s when I discovered the double cheeseburger. That damn thing brought me to my knees. I adored it. I thought about it all the time. I ate it at least once a week; with fries and of course, and icy coke.

And through my 20’s I began gaining weight… a lot of it. I started year 20 weighing about 100 pounds give or take a pound. I’m only 5’0 so that’s a decent weight. By 25 I weighed 150 pounds. Yes I gained 50 pounds in 5 years. I’d like to be able to say it was all the fault of McDonald’s but let’s be real. I was eating a lot of food from a lot of places. And no one from McDonald’s or anywhere else was force feeding me! I was in a bad place in life… things weren’t working out quite like I planned and apparently (although I wasn’t conscience of it at the time) I thought food would make it all better. Sound familiar? I am not the first, nor the last, person to be seduced by the comfort of food when times are tough. At 26 I’d had enough and began my first active weight loss adventure. I lost 20 pounds in about 3 months and settled in at a comfortable weight of about 130. Much higher than I used to weigh but I felt good there.

But it was a temporary feeling. I quickly reverted back to some old habits, namely, my weekly love affair with those darn double cheeseburgers. I was still in oblivion about fat, calories, carbs, etc. This being the 90’s it was all about low-fat, fat-free diets and my choices definitely were not inline with that fad. So my weight fluctuated up and down for years as I tried many versions of weight loss programs. By the time I hit 29 my weight was pretty high again (I’ve blocked what it was from my memory) and I was willing to do anything to lose it. I heard of the Atkins diet and that I could eat meat, bacon, and cheese. Are you kidding me??? I can eat at Mickey D’s as long as I take the bun off? I’m so in! So I did that diet for 45 days and lost a ton of weight… I got on the scale on my final day of that diet and weighed… wait for it… 118 pounds. Oh baby I was skin-ny I tell you. I was so thin that people at work were telling me I shouldn’t lose any more weight. That’s a good feeling for a former pudgy girl.

I would love to say that I maintained that weight loss but would I be writing this story if that were true? Nope, sad to say I went back to my previous habits, including double cheeseburgers- buns included. And we all know what happened after that.

Fast forward quite a few years. I was trying to change my habits for good. I had been going to Weight Watchers and successfully and healthfully losing weight. I felt pretty confident that I had beaten my cravings into submission. I was not tempted to go to McDonald’s or other places that I knew just did not serve my goals. And then it happened. I was innocently watching television when McDonald’s unveiled their latest marketing campaign. It was absolute genius. Genius I tell you. The camera focused in on a Big Mac, a close up shot of hot meat, melting cheese, gooey special sauce, lettuce crisp in appearance and a bun so fluffy it looked like it could float on its own. I was mesmerized. The last words spoken in the commercial, “You know you want one.”

Yep I do… I thought to myself. Suddenly I was completely enraptured by the Big Mac; a sandwich I had not eaten, or desired to eat, in years. Upon discovery of my much adored double cheeseburger, all other menu options became invisible to me. Apparently many others had chosen options other than the Big Mac too and McDonald’s came out guns loaded to remind us of its existence. From that point on, all I could think about was that stupid Big Mac; knowing logically that it won’t be nearly as incredible as it appeared in the commercial but still unable to erase it from my memory. I waited patiently for Saturday to arrive… you know “weigh in then pig out” day. For you non- Weight Watchers people out there, many WW people I knew, myself included, would abide by the rules, diligently recording points for the week. Then on weigh in day, immediately go and eat whatever food was vexing you knowing you had a full week to work it off again. Hey it’s not like I’m the only person who does this. I’m just saying.

But I digress. I drive to those beautiful, torturous golden arches and order the Big Mac; with fries and an icy coke- naturally. I drive home to eat it in private and I think it’s good. Quite good. Good enough to want it again. Good enough to divert me permanently from my double cheeseburger. Really. McDonald’s knows exactly what they are doing.

So to recap; McDonald’s sucks because the food is in no way good for you or in line with a healthy lifestyle. It isn’t and I don’t want to hear anything about salads and grilled chicken because that isn’t what I order when I go. I go to McDonald’s because I am looking for a cheese and meat and greasy fry fest. And dang it if they don’t keep coming up with reasons to get me to go. And I’m pretty sure they sprinkle a little crack on their fries.

I knew I needed a new plan. I drive by a McDonald’s every day on my way home. The temptation is there constantly. I needed to devise a method to avoid the siren song of meat and fried potatoes. I knew I needed to stop the impulse created by a simple TV commercial. If you are anxiously awaiting my profound decision you may be a tad disappointed because it’s quite simple. I can’t go. I just cannot go. It doesn’t fit with my goals and honestly it doesn’t make me feel good after I eat there. It’s a fleeting feeling of joy, as most food binges are, that I have decided I will overcome just through sheer mental desire to do so. There is no logical or compelling reason to allow myself to eat there. So I just won’t. And when those damn commercials come on I do one of a few things.
1. Walk away and do something else during commercials since most are often food related or an attempt to get me to part with my hard earned money. I get that- they sell stuff. It’s their job.
2. Tell myself that I don’t want whatever is being presented to me on the screen. It doesn’t serve my goals. Repeat as necessary.

3. Remind myself of the yucky tummy feeling that quickly surfaces when I make food choices that like. Remind myself of where I’ve come and how hard it was to get there and then ask, “Do you want to go back to that place?” The answer is always no.

I don’t have all the answers in life for battling weight loss. I have good and bad days. I have days filled with anger and frustration; days filled with envy of those that I perceive to have it better than me. Sometimes I contemplate giving up and going to McDonald’s or Taco Bell, or the carne asada burrito joint down the street and just eating until I cannot anymore. The good thing is that I never actually do that, knowing full well what the consequences will be. And I’ve decided that some places are just not worth the damage. Sadly, my beloved McDonald’s and their addictive offerings are on that list.

This is the choice I have had to make in order to get the consequence I want. And that, as they say, is life. My life anyway.

Another weekend...no new debt- healthy food!

2009-08-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

I am feeling good this weekend. I managed not to purchase any items on credit again. Two weekends in a row. I cooked a healthy dinner of fish and veggies. I feel great about avoiding the things that don't serve my goals. Last week was craving week... I had to battle the desire all week. I managed through mostly with help and support from friends. One day and one weekend at a time I will make it to my goals. I paid all two small balance credit cards this month and put a little in savings. Winning the lotto would be great but even small steps eventually will get you there.

Temptation and desire...a day with dessert

2009-08-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

I mentioned before I was in Food Rehab and taking my journey as a daily ride. I also mentioned a book I read, “The End of Overeating” that offered specific steps to overcome some common food barriers. I recreated the list for ease of use so I don’t have to carry the book around with me everywhere I go. I read this list daily in order to try and keep myself in check. Here is one I should have read more than once today: Practice thought stopping: deliberately and quickly change your thoughts when faced with an urge or craving to eat something. Don’t take time to debate.

Today I was challenged with a dessert offered in the café at my workplace. If I haven’t mentioned it before my Achilles’ heel is anything in the dessert genre. I packed a healthy low cal, but satisfying lunch and then stumbled as I was faced with the dessert- chocolate trifle to be exact. I started the internal debate, the devil/angel syndrome, and considered strongly going and purchasing the dessert. I had it all planned in my head that I didn’t care about the calories or how I might feel later. This is how the slippery slope begins. It didn’t matter to me that just last night I had decided to buckle down and intensify my workouts and stay focused on making good choices so I can break my weight plateau. That promise to myself quickly melted away in the presence of gooey, yummy, chocolate dessert- with whipped cream I might add. It is that easy for me to fall- to lose my grasp on my goals for a moment’s pleasure.

That being said, however, I don’t believe that I should go through the rest of my life without the pleasure of a sweet treat. I don’t think that sounds fun at all and I’m not willing to do it. So what we need here is called… say it with me… moderation. For those extremists like me out there, let me take a moment to define this. Dictionary.com states: “the quality of being moderate; restraint; avoidance of extremes or excesses. I must ponder this for a moment. “Avoidance of extremes or excesses” hits home for me. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. And I’ve met me… I know what I’ll do. I’ll deprive myself for weeks; maybe months, then BOOM… bring it. I will devour an entire cake in one sitting and be sick for days. Trust me on this- I’ve been on this particular ride before.

But the whole point of writing about this and exposing myself is accountability and change. I want to change… and get off this ride once and for all. So here’s what I did. I asked my friend if she wanted to share the dessert. She said yes (yay!) and I had three, moderate, bites. I savored each bite, chewing slowly, absorbing the flavors and textures, the chewy, moist cake; sweet but light cream topping. Mmmmm. And you know what? It was good. So good in fact that I strongly considered purchasing my own piece and going to town. Ah but wait. What’s that you say? Oh the little voice of reason chiming in… “You want moderation right? That was just enough cake…” And the little voice is absolutely right.

I can have my cake and be healthy too.

A Debt Free Weekend!

2009-08-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

I successfully made it through a weekend without adding to my debt. Granted I didn't really go anywhere but you have to start somewhere. Got my new issue of Glamour magazine in the mail today and there is an article on how to get your money right. And guess what advice they had? Stop spending. Rocket science I tell you...right up there with lose weight= eat less and exercise more! So okay I get it. I already sent the cards through the shredder and avoided additional spending this weekend. But I got hit with an alarming service bill for the car and had to take another dip in the savings pool. This is stuff I gotta learn to live with because it will continue to happen. Good thing I actually have a small but useful savings pool- not everyone does.

And then I decided "wouldn't it be cool to buy a keyboard and learn to play piano?" A short time ago I would have gone straight to Target and bought a keyboard and some sort of "teach yourself how to play something or other" but I abstained. A small but important victory!

So if you want to read a good article about money as well as many other action packed reading, check out the September issue of Glamour.

As far as my desire to play the piano- I will add it to the must save for list.

The Debt Merry Go Round

2009-08-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

Okay so here’s the hard part about spending and living within my means. I don’t have any means. Ok I have an income and feel fortunate about that but I have already stretched myself to the financial max and for those of you who may have been in my situation, or are currently there, you may be able to understand where I am coming from. The bad thing about debt, besides the obvious, is that once you have it it’s a merry go-round ride while trying to get back off. Here is how a typical month goes for me…
1. Get paid
2. Pay credit card and other bills. Realize that all the money from the paycheck just went to the bills and it’s t-minus 1 day after payday
3. Use credit cards to pay for remaining expenses until next paycheck
4. Repeat
What I find so ironic is that I am actually very anal retentive about paying my bills. I have an Excel spreadsheet; I know exactly which bills needs to be paid on which payday. I know how much money I will have, and how much each creditor gets. I’m very organized, nothing slips through the cracks. What it boils down to is there just simply is more money going out than coming in. And that is unpleasant. And scary. And stressful. I can’t believe I let it get to this.

I need to find a way to break the chain…get off the merry go-round once and for all. But each and every day I am faced with another challenge. Something else to buy… something I need for the house, or me, or the car. Or it’s someone’s birthday or wedding or baby shower. There is, in other words, always something. So I get stuck again, having budgeted all my money already and paid all my bills there is nothing left for other expenses. So I bust out the plastic, make my purchases, and get back on the damn ride.

Not only am I challenged with the desired purchase of a Wii monkey on my back but I desperately want to make some updates to my home and that gets so expensive. Being inflicted with immediate gratification syndrome I want it all now. Now or yesterday even. So I want to run out and buy buy buy. But I cannot. Well I could… but that would not serve my goal of defeating debt. It seems like obtaining the coveted items would bring me pleasure and satisfaction and I have learned in my experience, it will. I have also learned, however, that those feelings are fleeting and I end up in despair and frustration when faced with the bill for those expenditures. Since I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person I think I should take the time to learn from this nugget of knowledge.

I have spent a lot of time devoted to the concept of debt destruction. I’ve succeeded in knowing a lot of strategies and tips but have failed in the execution. I read Suze Orman books. I have spreadsheets and plans. So why can’t I just get it done?

I’ve read the strategy of allocating an amount of money for debt each month; the most you can afford then pay them off in order of highest interest rate. Then when the first card is paid off take that money and apply it to the next one… and so on until you are out of debt. It sounds soooo simple right? I can do that. I’ve got a spreadsheet.

There’s another piece of advice though that I seem to miss that says you should stop using credit. Oh right. Gotcha. Stop using them. Just like that… completely stop a habitual action. I’ll just STOP. Why didn’t I think of that????

I want to close them all down. I cannot think of a better way to slow my roll but by removing access to them. I read this will hurt my credit score but I’m wondering if I care about that more than I care about the actual amount of debt I have and continue to have. I’m not sure yet so I took the first step and sent all the cards to the shredder. It was scary and cathartic at the same time. But it was a first step. Logically I know that the account is technically active and available to me but I can’t just grab and go hit the stores or order online anymore…thus slowing me down.

I can now imagine a future without debt; without worrying about paying the bills or getting approved for another line of credit. I can feel the freedom of knowing I can make a purchase that I can afford and not look at it month after month on a statement accruing interest. It’s freedom from being at the mercy of a bank or a creditor, a job loss, or an illness. It’s the freedom of knowing that my future is mine… I can plan trips and purchases. I can look forward to the day we retire in Italy. And I will be financing these dreams with cold hard cash baby.

Fat and Happy or Skinny and Hungry

2009-07-27T18:52:00.001-07:00

I’m in skinny and hungry mode right now. This is my motto. If I were able to make long term commitments I would get it tattooed somewhere on me in a prominent location. It’s my first day back at work after a three day weekend. I can’t decide if the weekends are harder from an eating standpoint or the weekday. I think it largely depends on the amount of intellectual or physical activity I have. You see I, like many, am an emotional eater. Except most people can narrow it down to one or two emotions. Not me… I have the whole range…happy, stressed, tired, bored, lonely, angry, you name it… I have a food group associated with it. The only time I don’t feel compelled to eat is when I am too busy to do so. That presents a problem see because that means at almost any time on any given day I am in the mood to eat. The only difference is what item I want to eat. Sometimes I want something from a restaurant… sometimes I want to cook; sometimes it just comes pre-made from a grocery store (cake!) I’m all over the place and at the same time, very specific… when I get a craving fuhgetaboutit. I am obsessed until I am in possession of whatever that food is… I don’t even have a “usual”. One day it’s carne asada burritos… from a specific place of course… another day it’s cake, it can be sushi or something I saw on Food Network, in a magazine… it doesn’t matter… if it looks good I will eat it.

There within lies the problem. I am no spring chicken anymore and years of food obsession have caught up with me. Over the past five years I’ve gained close to 30 pounds. I am also on the lower end of the height spectrum and have a persistent aversion to exercise. I’ve been through most diet plans, Atkins, South Beach, Body for Life, Weight Watchers… and most recently, a medically supervised plan with shakes only. For six weeks I ate very little food and replaced my normal caloric intake with shakes. For SIX weeks. I persevered and was able to lose 16 of the 30 pounds I need to lose. I have been eating regularly again for almost a month and have not regained any weight. A success? Well…. depends on how we define success. If waking up everyday concerned with your weight, your thighs, and what you may or may not consume that day even though you aren’t gaining weight is success to you... then I am there. It is not success to me though. I like food and will always like food. I am prone to overeat and be a little compulsive at times, and will likely always be that way. I gain weight easily and lose it painfully. I am an extreme personality type that swings wildly from one end to the other rather frequently. I have lost and regained the same 20 pounds for ten years. And I am tired. Exhausted actually. To the point where I cannot continue like this.

So back to my motto… fat and happy or skinny and hungry. Let me explain. Fat and Happy (FH) is what I call myself when I am in “eat whatever you want” mode. I am happy because there is no deprivation which creates a false sense of happiness in me. Then when I gain enough weight to stop fitting my clothes… I move into Skinny and Hungry (SH) mode which means “put the spoon down and step away from the Ben and Jerry’s”! This is not happiness because I can’t have 90% of what I want, which creates a false sense of hungriness. I have moments in both modes where the feelings change…disgust during FH phase and complete and utter joy during SH phase but the feelings don’t last in either. So my goal is to create a new mode… moderately happy and secure with myself…that’s not very exciting. How about “accepting of myself and my body” hmm too Dr. Phil. How about “It is what it is?” Too bitter. Ok… I got it… “Choice equals Consequence.” Oh I like it. Cuz that’s what it is. We all have to accept the consequences of the choices we make. That includes everything from how we treat people to what we eat. I am no longer willing to put food into good and bad categories. I no longer wish to label myself as a good or bad person depending on my daily food choices. I won’t sit by and listen to others berate themselves or me for those same choices. I will no longer wallow in self-pity and guilt for choosing “So you think you can dance” over the treadmill. I will simply get the heck on the treadmill or shut about it. And if I don’t choose wisely everyday, if I make choices that do not support my goals, be it health or money, well there are consequences for my choice. If I choose to eat the carne asada burrito the size of my head I must accept there will be tummy trouble and possibly a few extra ounces to squeeze into my pants the next day. I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY MY FOOD CHOICES, MY WEIGHT, OR MY EXERCISE HABITS. There is so much more substance to me than those things. I know there is. And I will try not to define other people by those same standards.

The great thing is that I know what my better choices in life are and I can wake up everyday and choose… CHOOSE which path to take. And be willing to accept the consequences whether they are in my favor or not. To be fair, I didn’t have this epiphany overnight. Nor will I state that I won’t have fallbacks or challenges staying on course. I read a book… I will recommend this book to anyone who is willing and ready to change their relationship with food. I don’t believe this is a book for the overweight only, nor is there a nifty little eating plan contained inside. There is no list of off limit foods or “bad” carbs. There is no recommended amount of fiber or exercise that one should get each day. Nope…this book is about how and why we overeat. Why we obsess about certain foods…the lure of food marketing. It’s about deciding to break the chain…changing your habits and views about the things you eat. It’s about education. Some of the stuff you already know if you’ve put the amount of time and effort I have into this topic… some of it is shocking… some of it is heartbreaking. All of it is thought provoking. It’s given me something tangible to think about…steps I can take to recover. Yep I am officially in Food Rehab. I might sound flippant, and please don’t think I am about this topic. This is serious business to me. I’m writing a blog about it aren’t I???? So read the book, if you are ready. Heck… maybe you should read the book if you aren’t ready and it will help you get there. The End of Overeating by Dr. David Kessler.

Choice equals Consequence…my new motto. Still can’t commit to the tattoo but it’s a start.

2009-07-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

Most Sundays I wake up and get the paper and after reading the comic pages I look through all the store ads to see what’s on sale that week. Then I start plotting and planning what I HAVE to buy that week. Be it clothes, shoes, books, or household items there is always something I convince myself that I need. There is no waiting. Convinced that if I don’t run out and buy that most fabulous (fill in the blank) it will be irretrievably lost to me and I will suffer for not obtaining it. Lest you think I have a compulsive shopping problem or some other sort of addiction, I assure you I do not. I am for the most part, a fairly responsible person…although I think that point could be debated at times… but faced with an object of desire, logic goes straight out the door. I whip out the credit cards, determine which one has the required spending limit available, and head out the door to acquire the item currently seducing me. I guess there are people out there who may disagree that I don’t have a disorder that causes these feelings in me…but I believe I am just a poor victim of effective consumer marketing!
I do have debt but I don’t have so much that it’s unmanageable. I do have things but I don’t have so many that my house is overflowing. I am able to donate items or throws things away at will. I just like new stuff. I like new clothes. I like things that make life easier. I shop mainly at Kohl’s and Target. I am definitely into quantity over quality. For the same price of one pair of pants at Nordstrom, I could get five pairs at Kohl’s. That concept totally does it for me. Intellectually I get that the pants from Nordstrom probably look better, feel better, and will last longer. But the thrill of getting many bags is more exciting than one shiny silver bag from Nordy’s (although clearly, I know what the bag at Nordstrom looks like and appreciate the Anniversary Sale- can you say 33% off??!)
So I might have implied that I don’t have a debt problem…which isn’t entirely true. In my new, enlightened point of view, all credit card debt is a problem. My problem… I’m not judging you. I’m not going to say how much debt I have because, frankly, some of you know me and I think that is just TMI… but I will say I have more than I am comfortable with. And in my defense it wasn’t all spent on retail purchases…I’ve been taking care of a family member too… but I digress… that, as they say, is a whole different Oprah.
The turning point in my perception came when the economy turned last year. Credit cards companies started turning on long time customers and raising interest rates. I have been a consumer of credit for more years than I would like to admit and have made it a mission never to be late and always pay more than the minimum. I have a good credit score. I bought a house on my own. I pay for my own schooling. I am doing alright for myself. But again the economy turned and while none of my creditors have mistreated me, the lingering fact is that they can. One wrong move on my part and they can inflict all sorts of damage. The fact that I carry balances I cannot pay in full if I choose to is discomforting.
Don’t get me wrong. I know enough to know that not all debt is bad. Mortgage debt- good (as long as you can currently afford said mortgage). School loans- good. Even credit card debt can be good if you pay it in full each month. But that requires the discipline of a yoga teacher and I am just a beginner at that too!
Last year I sat along with all of America watching the economy free fall. After purchasing my home in February 2008, I watched my home value fall to well below my mortgage balance. I watch ‘for sale’ signs go up left and right on my street. I hear nothing but doom and gloom on TV- long standing companies going under, Wall Street fraud, skyrocketing foreclosure rates and joblessness. Then more change… even my own job was at risk. I got the wakeup call I needed.
I haven’t told you yet, and if you know me you already know this, I am a total control freak. When all this started happening I felt a profound loss of control. My fate was in everyone’s hands but mine. Absolutely unacceptable. And I thought… what should I do now… I’m already in it. I can’t just stop using credit and get out of debt can I? Hmmm… maybe I can. As I said before, I can do anything I want once I decide that’s what I am going to do.
So begins stage one. I’ve finally decided to change my spending habits. I’m already facing my first challenge. I went to a party a few weeks ago and we played Wii. I like the Wii it turns out…a lot. I want one. Normally I would go and buy one. Just head down to Target or Wal-Mart and purchase it along with all its electronic accoutrements and be happy happy. And have $500 more debt. So I did not buy it yet. I want to buy it for Christmas because surely I can save enough money between now and December to buy it in cash. Right?

Still Learning

2009-07-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

I decided to start writing about this as a way of creating accountability for myself and also, maybe, providing some insight and inspiration to others. As I've gotten older I have felt compelled to do something meaningful... maybe helpful to others. Before you think I'm about to get all philanthropic on you let me explain what I mean. I am not the charity sort.. donating my time at homeless shelters or other venues really isn't me. I am not the type to quit my job and start a non-profit business or open a bed and breakfast. nope. I like working for a big corporate company. I like knowing what I get paid every two weeks. I get satisfaction from my job. So when I say I want to do something meaningful I'm thinking on a much smaller level. I want to work through my issues in life and help others through my experiences. But I'm no life coach...in fact I probably need one. I am going to be my own coach because I know I can. I know for a fact that I can do anything I want as soon as I decide what I want...which is where I get distracted.

My 40th birthday is approaching in 1.5 years. I am okay with the idea of being 40 (what are my choices, really) however I am not okay with some aspects of my life...namely my constant battle with my weight and my semi-compulsive spending habits. I hope to be walking this planet for many more years so I have decided that I am going to tackle those two items and fix them... for good. I am going to weed through all the advice and books and topics out there and apply the ones that work for me. And if my experience can help someone else...even better. If people read this and ask me questions, there is my accountability. I'm far less willing to give up on myself when I know people are watching. You get your motivation your way...I'll get mine my way.

I am going to be careful to avoid two things that drive me crazy... hypocrisy and shoving my views down other people's throats. My disclaimer is that all the views expressed here are purely and exclusively mine... I will not use the names or situations of my friends to protect the privacy of others (unless given express permission) and I will be very sarcastic, sometimes bitter, and hopefully somewhat amusing at times.

I am not going to commit to writing every day (I heard that is what good writers do...but I never claimed to be a good writer!) I do commit to updating regularly and being honest with my feelings and struggles. I am letting people into my sometimes private and usually guarded mind which is both challenging and exhilarating and I hope you will be kind.

So here are the goals...
1. Change my love-hate relationship with food and learn to live healthy in a non-obsessive way
2. Pay off debt and utilize "real-income living"

I hope you'll follow along with me.